Billie Eilish has revealed she once felt ‘so hopeless’ because she’s a girl and would ‘cry in bed’ after falling into a ‘pit of hopelessness’.
The singer, 20, recounted a time when she believed she would never perform in the way she wanted to, due to female representation in the music industry.
She made the tragic confession after being featured by BBC 100 Women in its 2022 list, as part of a season of content celebrating 100 inspiring and influential women from around the world.
Tragic: Billie Eilish has revealed she once felt ‘so hopeless’ because she’s a girl and would ‘cry in bed’ after falling into a ‘pit of hopelessness’
The Bad Guy hitmaker told the broadcaster: ‘There was a specific period of time where I was in this pit of hopelessness about myself as I didn’t have much to look up to in terms of girls like me being taken seriously.
‘I remember just crying in my bed because I was thinking about the kind of show I would want to put on.
‘I would just feel so hopeless because I’m a girl, so I’m never going to be able to have a show like that, I’m never going to be able to be free up there and wild… perform in this way and be more physical and be more about the performance… I thought it would never happen.’
In an intimate half hour interview, set to air on Tuesday on BBC THREE, the megastar also explored how she feels about amalgamating the masculine and feminine aspects of herself.
Oh no! The singer, 20, recounted a time when she believed she would never perform in the way she wanted to, due to female representation in the music industry
She said: ‘I feel the most powerful when I feel the most masculine in my life… I also can find power in femininity. It’s kind of a balance of both.
‘Depending on how I walk and stand, and my clothes, and my face and my jewellery and my fingers and everything I am day to day.
‘I like to feel more masculine than feminine, it just makes me feel better. I struggled with it for a long time because I wanted to feel feminine and like it but I just didn’t really, but it’s finding moments when you can have that and it feels good still.’
Talking about growing up in the public eye, Billie called it ‘a very bruising experience’ especially being what she calls ‘an internet kid’ when ‘you see yourself and your name everywhere it’s really hard to know who the hell you are’.
Successful: She made the tragic confession after being featured by BBC 100 Women in its 2022 list, as part of a season of content celebrating 100 inspiring and influential women from around the world
She said: ‘I had such severe imposter syndrome. I’ve had that so many times in my life, and some parts of last year and the year before. In a downward spiral of imposter syndrome and grasping at whatever I could to make me feel like myself again.’
Touching on the topic of ‘progress’ which is the theme of this year’s BBC 100 Women season, the Grammy winner continued: ‘There has been a lot of backpedalling with the world and the laws (Roe v Wade)…we are going back in time in certain areas which makes me want to throw up’.
But speaking about the music industry, she does think there has been a lot of progress for women saying: ‘The way that women have been absolutely towering over everyone in this industry right now, it’s so exciting to me
‘It makes me feel really hopeful and inspired. It’s not only women doing one thing, it’s women doing all kinds of different things.
‘And looking different and acting different and having different styles. There such a range right now and so nice to see and it’s refreshing and new and it’s never been like that…It’s really cool to be a part of it.’
The full BBC 100 women list will be revealed on Tuesday but some names have already been unveiled, including the First Lady of Ukraine, Olena Zelenska.
Watch BBC 100 Women in Conversation: Billie Eilish on-demand on BBC iPlayer from 10pm, Monday December 5, and on BBC THREE Tuesday December 6 at 9.35pm
Opening up: In an intimate half hour interview, the megastar also explored how she feels about amalgamating the masculine and feminine aspects of herself (pictured in March 2022)
