UK extra-terrestrial researchers launch major campaign to find the burning questions we’d ask our interplanetary neighbours during First Contact… so we asked Mirror staff what they’d say
Elliot and E.T may have hit it off instantly, but scientists searching the universe for aliens are worried how to strike up a conversation with beings from another planet.
So they’re asking the public what they should say when they finally have a close encounter.
Experts from the UK Seti Research Network have just launched a major survey of public attitudes towards alien contact.
So we asked our own space cadets what they’d say to an alien the first time they ever made contact.
Martian robot from the Smash potato advert 1976
Polly Hudson, Mirror Columnist
If aliens are found, the first message we should send is that while this is obviously a very exciting discovery, now is not a great time for a visit.
We don’t mean to be rude, of course, but we are not at our best.
After all, imagine if they came to Earth now, and saw who we have put in charge, and what a mess everything is.
The other message we should send would be, “Can we come and live with you please?”
Yes, it’s a bit forward, and – as we don’t know much about the conditions on their planet – something of a gamble, but it would almost definitely be worth it.
Even if their atmosphere is inhospitable to humans, and we spontaneously combust 0.3 seconds after arriving, at least we would have spent 0.3 seconds in a place where there was no such thing as Brexit .
3D rendering of flying saucer ufo vintage style
Jason Beattie, Political Editor
IF you are planning to visit our small planet (you can check it out on Space Trip Advisor) the following may come in useful:
Firstly, try to get here by avoiding the Sun. Follow the same advice when you touch down on earth.
We earthlings speak a variety of languages but the most common is English, generally spoken slowly and loudly so you can understand.
If you are used to travelling at the speed of light you may find our trains a disappointment.
It is not unusual to see four-legged creatures called dogs walking down streets pulling two-legged creatures called humans on piece of string.
Stay off the grass, unless you are running for the Tory leadership.
Most houses have rectangular screens in the corner of their living rooms. These have multiple channels but everyone will tell you there is nothing on.
We like actors so much that we pay someone pretending to be a doctor more than a real doctor.
Try everything once except jellied eels, necrophilia and watching Crystal Palace.
Rachael Bletchly
Rachael Bletchly, Chief Feature Writer
Greetings, at last, from Planet Earth.
We’ve been trying to contact you for AGES, but I bet you were furious at the way the Yanks treated your mates when they crashed that flying saucer in Roswell in 1947.
And by all the films portraying you as little green men in tin foil suits or the thing that bursts John Hurt’s belly.
Sorry about that.
Why don’t you come and visit so we can get to know you properly?
There’s no need to say: “Take me to your leader” when you land… because we haven’t really got one.
And forget the US. It’s run by a strange orange man who speaks a language few understand.
We’ll have the kettle on and you’re welcome to stay for dinner. Sausage and mash OK?
And, yes, we do still peel them with our metal knives.
Andy Dunn, Chief Sports Writer (Nicholas Bowman)
Andy Dunn, Chief Sports Writer
Simple.
Ask them if their extraterrestrial powers can extend to turning England’s football team into World Cup winners.
Or even European Championship winners. Or even UEFA Nations League winners, for that matter.
After all, over the last five decades, there has been more chance of finding life on Mars than of England lifting a trophy.
They will probably tell us they are clever… but not that clever.
And while we are at it, see if they use VAR in their other-worldly sporting endeavours and can tell us how to use it properly.
To finish the footballing line of inquiry, ask them if there is another Lionel Messi out there and can we have him?
He is clearly from another planet.
Kevin Maguire, Associate Editor
Do you come in peace?” they ask on the sci-fi film Arrival.
ET, yes, Alien, Invasion of the Body Snatchers and The War of the Worlds, no.
I like to think as a well dragged-up Northerner taught to be polite and recognise I’m better than nobody and nobody’s better than me, that I’d smile, hold out a hand to shake the tentacle or whatever and say something like: “How do you do?
“My name’s Kevin and I’m an earthling coming in peace. Anything I can do to help?”
More likely is screaming “F*** Me” then discovering I could show Usain Bolt a clean pair of heels over 100m.
Intelligent questions can wait.
Sara Wallis, Daily Mirror journalist
Sara Wallis TV Columnist
If aliens do get in touch, I guess it’s only polite to respond – we are British after all.
Speaking of which, I’d probably start with an apology.
Sorry the Earth looks a bit like a trash can right now, we just got a bit over-excited with the packaging in Tesco.
We’ll try to tidy up before you pop in next time.
Oh and please ignore the fighting – we still haven’t quite figured out how to get along.
We’re considering group therapy or mindfulness, unless you have any better ideas?
If you’re feeling a bit confused by the weather , you’ll get used to it – that’s just the climate change problem, it’s on the to-do list – let us know if you need an umbrella.
And if you want a real insight into life on Earth, I can recommend watching Blue Planet, Gogglebox and Love Island.
Look guys, it is what it is.
Brian Reade
Nanoo, nanoo my extraterrestrial comrades.
You would feel very much at home if you chose to land in my country, as half of us have also felt like aliens for the past three years due to being told we no longer have a say in our future as our will is not that of the People.
It could get even worse soon, when Boris Johnson , The Mutant Bloodsucker from Planet ERG, who believes the truth is an alien concept, becomes our leader and drags us into a black hole.
So my message is this: If the mutant is elected, any chance of you abducting him?
Or if you can’t face that, how about landing on my roof and allowing me to FO in your UFO ?
source: mirror.co.uk
